Hey, have you guys heard about this band?
GET IT!? Ha ha, I like that joke because you know who Slayer is. Do you get it?
So, yeah man, Slayer! These guys like the devil ‘n’ stuff, I guess, even though Tom Araya is pretty, pretty, pretty devout guy (Christian-wise, I mean)—you probably already knew that too.
Fuck man, it’s really hard to say shit about this band that you might not know or might not have already thought of! That’s the problem with writing about big metal bands: all the fucking normal people who can actually write have already said what you want to say because all your Megadeths and Iron Maidens and other what-have-yous are so fucking accessible—less so with Slayer though for some reason. I guess Slayer is maybe the least popular of those big bands among non-metalheads because they talk about hell and how the Bible is a lie and all of that kind of sacrilegious type of showmanship, and if there is a god like the one your average Christian Homeowner believes in, Slayer lyrics are probably pretty frowned-upon. So is it a sin to listen to Slayer? Fuck, I hope not, but maybe if it is, I can cut a deal with God so that I can listen to Slayer and just go to Cat Heaven instead—I got a couple furry buddies that I wouldn’t mind petting a few more times (or for all eternity, whatever).
Maybe you’re already familiar with this too, but there are Metallica people and Slayer people. They’re separate, and it’s kind of like Maiden people and Priest people in some ways, except the division is a lot more bitter. Still, it’s not like there’s really any debate as to which band is better because everyone knows that Slayer is the fucking best. God DAMN do I hate Metallica.
Also, Slayer is the type O blood of the metal scene [no Type O Negative jokes to be inserted here]. Or maybe it’s like a golden pass or some other bullshit, but basically what I mean to say is that you can wear a Slayer shirt to any metal show and it’s cool. In comparison, you would look like a fucking idiot wearing a Hammerfall t-shirt to a Mayhem show, and if you wore a Mayhem shirt to a Hammerfall show, you’d probably be the biggest badass in the building and run that venue like a fucking BOSS. Fuck man, you could probably be Jewish and wear a Slayer shirt to a Graveland or Absurd show and probably even be okay! Maybe… those guys are out of their fucking minds though.
But maybe you would be!