This is going to be a long post, sorry guys, but you don’t know shit about all the SWEET, SWEET metal that came out this year. But you should! So here’s all of this.
Well man, 2011 is pretty much done. Shit blows, because 2011 was FUCKING AWESOME, and lots of cool bands made lots of COOL fucking albums.
Did you know that I don’t just listen to metal? Did you know that? I don’t. Sometimes I listen to other stuff. M83 made a really, really good album this year. Same with Gillian Welch—her album, The Harrow and the Harvest, was also really, really good. Still, talking about this kind of shit with you guys is like talking about how, I don’t know, Lou Gehrig was a really good baseball player. We aren’t covering any new ground or having sweet adventures or saying anything that’s worth more than drinking my beer right now so FUCK IT.
Also, I don’t really know how to put these in any order, so I’m just going to list some stuff and why it’s good! I’m probably going to miss a bunch of good shit, but let’s just keep this fast and loose and see what cumz out.
Cauldron - Burning Fortune
Traditional heavy metal! Hell yeah! I always want to write about this band, but all I can ever come up with is that their first album was a bit better than this one. Yeah, I know it’s not the best album of the NWOTHM thing, but the video for “All or Nothing” is siiiiick, and these dudes also put on a fucking awesome show. PLUS dude, the lead singer (Jason Decay) wore a god damn denim vest OVER A DENIM JACKET! BADASS!
Hell - Human Remains
The way I see it, you have to be pretty fucking good to reform your band after, what, like 25 years or something and come up with one of the best albums of the year. I guess that means Hell is pretty fucking good, because they broke up 25 years ago and came up with one of the best albums of the year. On the other hand, they had TWENTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS to make this album. Anyway, it’s good. Really good. Ummm, 69?
Havok - Time is Up
This is the best live band I’ve ever seen. Well, okay, maybe not EVER, but I was either really fucking drunk and having an awesome time or… I don’t know, I can’t think of shit, but I put a Havok patch on my vest after I saw these dudes the first time, so that probably says something? These guys make me want to party, and shit man, any given reason to party is a good enough reason for me. This still isn’t quite as good or tight as Pwn ‘Em All, but dude, it’s pretty good! “Covering Fire” is one of the best singles of the year, so there.
Anaal Nathrakh - Passion
One of my friends said that this band was too gnarly for him. Does that make me a badass? Also, let me just get this out of the way: no, it’s not as good as In the Constellation of the Black Widow, but the name is also way fucking easier to type out, and I’ll give Passion points for that. The one thing that bothers me about this one is that “Who Thinks of the Executioner?” has some pretty core-ish moments in it that completely betray tr00 METAL, but fuck it dude, this is probably one of my favorite albums to come out in the past few years. Hey! Maybe you can get all your prude-yaround and buy dildos and cock rings at a Passion party! Ha ha!
Hot Graves - Knights in White Phosphorus
This shit rules. Heavy as fuck, fast as hell, loud ass distortion, and satanic imagery are abundant. If you like hardcore, you’ll like this. If you like death metal, you’ll like this. If you like black metal, you’ll probably like this. If you like thrash metal, you will probably like this too. If you suck, you’ll hate this. If you like most of this album, but just hate the slow, boring “Dirge ov the Apokalyptik Hordes ov the Toxik Damned” like I do, we’re going to get gaymarried in Iowa.
Leviathan - True Traitor, True Whore
I tried to give a fuck about whether or not this guy actually raped his girlfriend with a tattoo gun or whatever, but I don’t. If he did it, I guess that’s a shitty move. Who cares. This is a haunting, scary ass black metal album that has some unconventional sounds in it, and remains kvlt as fuck. What’s not to like? Also, one of the best album names evar. That’s it, it’s over.
Midnight - Satanic Royalty
DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME THE FIRST TIME!? I ALREADY SAID THIS WAS MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF THE YEAR, GOD!!
Obscura - Omnivium
Obscura has been talked about all goddamn year breathlessly by fat, neckbeard metal journalists that breathlessly tell you to believe in their brand of metal but FUCK THAT. It’s just a good album. I don’t really get my fucking rocks off on noodly, proggy metal of any kind, but even I can’t talk shit about this one. It’s heavy as hell, but has just enough technicality to make jazz enthusiasts happy if anyone gives a fuck about that. This is almost what Between the Buried and Me would sound like if they weren’t shitty—metal to listen to when your normal-person relatives are in the car with you so you can be all “SEE? IT’S ACTUALLY VERY HARD MUSIC TO PLAY AND NOT JUST ABOUT SATAN.”
I did that.
Speedwolf - Ride with Death
Best fucking cover art of the year from the even poorer man’s Motörhead. That’s a good thing, by the way.
Craft - Void
The best “pure” (haha) black metal album released this year, I think. It’s not Norwegian, but it’s Swedish and that’s still not too bad. If you like black metal, I guess you’ll probably like this, and that you’ll probably like it a LOT like I did. Provided that black metal still hasn’t grown on you even after Vice and Urban Outfitters told you to like it, then I’d say you probably won’t like this. Pause the Drake song in your iTunes and take a look INTO THE DARK UNLIGHT OF OBLIVION.
Toxic Holocaust - Conjure and Command
Some of the world’s more clueless motherfuckers have criticized this album of being too derivative, which makes me go “uhhhhhh…?” I mean, yeah it is, but dude, this is blackened thrash/crust in it’s purest, crystalline form. Don’t get me wrong, An Overdose of Death… was AWESOME, but it also had some weirdo poppy hooks in it, and I usually skipped those tracks. This album is just wayyyyyyyyyyyy more focused on being a ruthless fucking badass, and I like that. The new logo blows though, straight up.
THIS IS THE STUFF THAT FUCKING SUCKED
I don’t want to dwell on this bullshit because dude, we’ve had an ENTIRE YEAR of some really bad metal that came out too. I won’t even bother mentioning the Morbid Angel album because HOLY GOD THAT SHIT WAS FUCKING AWFUL.
-Red Fang’s Murder the Mountains? Shit sucked. How many god damn beardo stoner/sludge/doom bands does the world need? At least three less: The Sword, one other one, and Red Fang.
-Amon Amarth’s Surtur Rising: fine, it didn’t suck completely, but who even gives a shit about this band anymore? Vikings, etc., WE GET IT. The minivan of the metal world.
-Deicide - To Hell with God: Good one, assholes. This album sucks.
OKAY, THAT’S IT. 2011 WAS PRETTY COOL HUH?
I don’t really know anything about what’s supposed to come out in 2012 yet, but I’m willing to bet that a bunch of albums will be AWESOME and even more than that will completely suck. Maybe Darkthrone will come out with a new album or something? Whatever dude, it’s pizza time and I’m hungry as a motherfucker.
There, I’m done!
